Written By Tracy E. Gilchrist & Dylan Vox
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Category: | Entertainment |

Those broads over on Wisteria Lane had better hold on to their respective hunks of man meat because there’s a new sheriff in suburbia and his name is Brian Kinney! Alright, so it’s not Brian Kinney, but the actor who embodied the greatest fuck machine to grace the small screen, Gale Harold, is slated for a guest appearance on the show’s two-part season finale May 18, TV Guide reports.

Since he last unzipped his black jeans in Babylon’s backroom on Queer as Folk, Gale’s illustrious television career has garnered him a few juicy roles, including donning western fetish gear to play Wyatt Earp on HBO’s Deadwood and as a white supremacist on Grey’s Anatomy.

But wait until Gale mixes it up with the hos of Housewives. There’s no word yet on what or whom he might do on the show, but his character, which could become a recurring role next season, is described as, "a quick-witted, charming and buttoned-down suburbanite."

Here’s hoping Gale takes the gals down to the local queer bar, turns them all on to poppers and demonstrates how to dance in a glitter storm under the disco ball followed by an instructional on how to indulge in a meaningless backroom hummer.

While the country has been going ape-shit over Miley Cyrus’ racy—lock your imminently slutty daughter up and throw away the key—photos in Vanity Fair, word’s out that d-list diva Kathy Griffin was supposed to star in an episode of Miley’s nauseating star-making vehicle, Hannah Montana.

Self-promotional genius and admitted star-fucker Kathy says she’s not sure just what Montana producers had slated for her but that she was approached about a year ago for a guest spot, which never came to fruition.

"I might have been the nosy neighbor. Or maybe the hooker with a heart of gold,” Kathy says of the role that never came to pass.

But Kathy admits she had no idea how addictive the Hannah Montana brain-candy was for our country’s youth until friends let on that a guesting on the show could skew her demographic to the tween set.

"Suddenly everyone was telling me how huge the show is with kids, so I was really excited," Kathy said.

We can all hang our heads in sorrow, however, because those uptight do-gooder hypocrites over at Disney fired Kathy before she could wreak havoc on Miley.

And Kathy has formulated her own lil’ conspiracy theory over Disney execs’ changes of heart.

"I was fired from Hannah Montana for my 'suck it Jesus' remark. Which I can tell you now that Miley Cyrus has been flashing her green bra and posing topless,” Kathy said, referring to her irreverent—if not hilarious—acceptance speech at the Creative Arts Emmys, where she accepted her Emmy and said, "Suck it Jesus. This award is my god now."

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Although a Disney spokesperson swore on the spirit of Mickey Mouse that the decision to axe Kathy from its roster had nothing to do with her "public comments," Kathy said that’s a big pile of bunk.

"I was basically told, 'Disney doesn't want you anywhere near the building'," Kathy said before she told Michael Eisner to "suck it."

Oh wait. He already does.

While I’m perfectly aware that this column is quickly becoming the Ugly Betty corner, I would be remiss in failing to report that the show’s producers have gambled on Lindsay 'the Lush' Lohan in what’s purported to be a recurring role for next season.

Princess of the Grey Goose and Ambien chaser, Linds actually turned up for her first day of shooting this week. In a stark departure from the typical roles Lindsay inhabits, like a vodka-soaked little chameleon, Linds is going out on a limb to play a "mean girl" from Betty Suarez’s past.

I’d say poor Betty, but really, poor America Ferrera. That sweet, current-events conscious little Latina, who stumped for Hillary Clinton, had better arm herself with a pair of brass knuckles, a shank and a Costco-sized bottle of Purel to disinfect after Linds and Naomi Campbell have run rampant on the set.

And now we turn to Dylan Vox for a reality check.

On The VH1 reality show train wreck Rock the Cradle, the final three were chosen out of the remaining contestants to see who has the DNA to follow in the footsteps of their musically gifted parents. The “I’m stuck in a 1990’s frathouse band” son of Kenny Loggins, Crosby, was given an automatic birth into the finals following last week’s performances.

Crosby again seemed to impress judges and is still in the hunt to win the ill conceived show. He will be facing Jesse Blaze Synder, the fantastically hot son of Twisted Sister front man Dee. As the finalists were announced, Jesse expressed his concern over being called a “wannabe punk artist” by Go-Go’s alum Belinda Carlisle. Carlisle shot back saying, “You may think I’m a bitch, but I’ve been making music for over 30 years so I think I know what I’m talking about.”

I guess heaven is no longer a place on earth.

Chloe Lattanzi, the socially disturbed daughter of Olivia Newton-John, also somehow made it to the finals despite being perhaps the oddest singer to ever hit a stage. She was assigned “Toxic” by Britney Spears and was sent into tears, again, over what she considered to be an impossible song choice.

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Chloe, however, did what every good daughter of exceptionally wealthy people do and went to the desert to visit her father Matt, who now apparently lives in a teepee in the Outback. There she reclaimed her inner Britney and was able to awkwardly make her way through the song. Next week, the winner is decided, and after many long weeks of watching, no one really cares.

Belinda Carlisle was not the only judge that seemed to be having trouble this week, as American Idol buffoon Paula Abdul got even more confused than usual. On Idol, the remaining five contestants were assigned Neil Diamond songs and everyone seemed to once again bow to the pressure. Brooke was all right, the David’s were good, Syesha was boring and Jason was horrendous, but it was Abdul’s flub that garnered the most attention.

After the Idols sang the first of two songs, the judges gave their critiques, and Paula expressed her opinion of both performances even though they had only performed once.

Everyone watched in horror as Paula talked about something that hadn’t even come to fruition yet, but I guess that is what happens when you have an overly medicated judge reading pre-written comment cards to help guarantee a male winner. Allegedly.

Every year on Top Model, they have to have that one gorgeous girl who should obviously be the winner, but she doesn’t win because she is edited to be too boring. This week that fate was bestowed upon Russian hottie Katarzyna Dolinska, who was given the boot despite being arguably the prettiest girl over the past few years. The women were given the challenge of dressing up in Italian couture and the queen of all things Tyra Banks herself was their photographer. Tyra was impressed with some, like the rapidly aging drag queen Dominique, but Katarzyna seemed to be missing that spark.

Even at elimination, self righteous Tyra refused to say Katarzyna’s name correctly as she ushered her out the door.

On Paradise Hotel, things began to heat up as hardbodied and even harder headed Raheim returned to spout his catty disgust over the way that the remaining members of the game have been playing. With only a few couples left before the finale, it looked as though Raheim would be eliminating his former best friend James from the house, but a convenient turn of events sent Aaron home instead. In turn, James got the chance to get rid of recent arrival Myrna who had become nothing but a drama queen since joining the cast.

The producers also shocked the viewers last week when season one favorite Zach was put back in to the competition. Zach looks even better this time around having shed some excess baby fat, but his amazing body still doesn’t make up for his mental inadequacies. He has aligned himself with beauties Tidisha and Stephanie and together the threesome may be able to come up with some kind of plan to get to the finale, but don’t count on it.

And sadly, Bravo’s Step it Up and Dance said goodbye to their sprightly Italian cutie-pie Oscar after he was unable to impress the judges with his skill set. The dancers were challenged to do Broadway routines to the show Damn Yankees, which was recently directed by Jason Alexander. The contestants learned the numbers in a little less than two hours, and sexy Cody along with his partner Mochi shined on the stage. The other boys, however, struggled and former gay porn performer Michael, Miguel and Oscar all ended up dancing for their lives in the competition.

Their audition was so bad that the judges had to see it again because they couldn’t make a decision. Despite his great energy Oscar was seen as being too feminine and unable to find the rhythm of the music so Elizabeth Berkeley, who is obviously a dancing expert, made him hang up his little dancing shoes.

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