Written By Ross von Metzke
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Category: | Entertainment |

Frankly, I feel borderline guilty kicking off this week’s column with this stud. He’s even younger than Zac Efron.

But the Brits—they’re just a different stock of people. And when you star in a show called Skinz—which, I’m told, makes Dawson’s Creek and Gossip Girl look like The Waltons—and you wind up posing in Cosmo wearing nothing but a pout and some water out of a spray bottle, you get what’s coming to you.

With that, I present 18-year-old hunk Mitch Hewer.

Mitch plays openly gay teen Maxxie Oliver on the British soap—he was written out of the show at the end of the second season—and while Mitch says he isn’t gay, he’s gladly appeared on the cover of gay men’s mag Attitude, participated in a “Gays on TV” docudrama and has devoted many an off hour working on behalf of gay organizations.

That’s nice, Mitch.

Now get your visa and join the cast of some Showtime production so folks stateside can enjoy what you so lovingly tease in the pic below.

I took a mini poll around the office: ‘Do I start this week’s column off with a lesbian lip lock, some kinky phone sex or with two old broads doing battle on the talk show circuit.’

Horny as the staff can be, we went with C—after all, in the absence of truly filthy prime time soaps, how often do we get to see two grande dames (OK, one grande dame and a grand pain in the ass) square off.

In a classic ‘She said, She said’ move, Barbara Walters went on Oprah and said that before her surgery, Star Jones had gotten to a point where she was so obese ‘”she could barely walk onto the set.” Then, Star turned around and got gastric bypass—and made everyone on the set lie and say she’d lost the weight with portion control and pilates.

First off: Who bought that mess? That’s an even worse kept secret than JLo’s pregnancy.

Secondly, now we know why Joy Behar hated her ass. They probably made Joy pinky swear and sign in blood that she’d never tell. You know Joy hated every minute of that. She wanted to run out on stage with Star’s size 22 stretched out Spanx and beat the shit out of her with them.

Star was having none of this mess, so she released a little statement of her own: "It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book," Jones told Us Magazine. "It speaks to her true character."

Ummmm… the sun has set for Babs. She’s working with borrowed time now. As to the adultery crack—in the book, Babs admits she went Black with a married U.S. Senator for two years—Now that’s how you fight fire, Star.

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Because Rosie was pissed they weren’t spending all this time talking about her, she tossed her hand into the fire and said round one of Babs vs. Star goes to Babs. Awfully nice of her, considering she had none too nice things to say about the old bat mere months ago.

Here’s hoping they keep squaring off well into the summer.

In slightly less salacious news, Mimi’s only been married a week and now she’s talking about having babies.

If you’ll recall, just two weeks, Mimi was saying she couldn’t imagine bringing a baby into the world the way it is right now.

What a difference some bling makes.

The newly named Mrs. Cannon, Mariah is apparently all eager to have a baby with Nick. Girl should adopt. Her weight has been up, down and all around the past 10 years—I question her ability to come back one more time.

Of course, pregnancy might force her to stop writing things like “Touch my body / Throw me on the floor.” Careful what you wish for, Mariah. I those heels, you’re likely to break a hip.

On the more disgusting end of the spectrum, all riled up with no one on daddy’s clearance list to fuck her, Britney Spears is apparently so horny, she called K-Fed at 2 am jonesing for some phone sex.

Guess it’s better than throwing herself at Neil Patrick Harris.

"They have phone sex often — at least once a week. The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred," a source told Star Magazine.

If K-Fed’s smart, he’ll wait ’til she’s in a Methodone induced half coma, slip the phone to Jayden James and hit record. What judge in his right mind would give custody to a mom who asks her kid to “touch me there.”

On that note, Brit did score increased visitation this week—and sources say she’s working her way up to overnight visits.

At this rate, she’ll be back on the road, grinding a pole, a snake and hitting up In & Out for fries and a shake at 2am in no time.

Lynne must be so proud.

And jealous—Dina Lohan stole that Long Island Association’s ‘Mom of the Year’ award right out from under her.

Because Dina just screams role model, some D-list association bestowed the honor on Dina, probably in the hopes she’d show up to accept the thing and bring with her hordes of media attention.

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It worked—not only did Dina and cameras come, but a statement from her perennial ex, Michael. Allow me to quote: "Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court."

Of course, Dina countered: "He's a loose cannon. We speak to a therapist once a week and I'm not required to be there. My kids want me there, so I go. Obviously with our [TV] show and the event, [daughter] Ali and I rescheduled. I've allowed him visitation once a week, so I don't understand why he's doing this. He's jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me."

He should have tried harder. Not that Michael’s any prize. Lindsay and Alli should change their names, relocate to India and pursue a career in Bollywood films.

And just because we know you can’t resist a good Madonna scoop, check out what she slipped a fan in Paris at a concert earlier this week.

Guess she didn’t get enough of it when she tongued Britney and Xtina.

Is it just me or does that girl look closer to Lourdes’ age than Madge’s?

Dirty girl.

And because I couldn’t possibly handle sending you off into the night with that image deeply engrained in your head, how about something a bit hotter. The first official photos of Eddie Cibrian on the set of Ugly Betty.

That Ana Ortiz is one lucky lady, that’s all we gots to say.

OK, folks. ’Til next time. Remember—take time to stop and smell the gossip.

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